May 11

Sex Isn’t An Issue Until It No Longer Exists


“Ask Renelle”

Resident Online Infidelity Recovery Therapist & Sex-pert

Dear Renelle,
I love my husband so much, I just don’t have the desire to have sex with him anymore. What can I do to get my sexual desire for my husband?
– C.C – Ohio

Many couples will sit across from me with tears in their eyes or in anger, as they address the lack of Sex or intimacy in their marriage. The dynamics are usually the hurt spouse who may present in anger and resentful tone and behavior and the other partner usually in tears and later anger because they don’t understand once going on with them either. My job is to validate both peoples feelings and have the couple recommit to being a team and working through this dilemma together.

While love or lack of love is challenged, the communication of needs and what sex represents in the relationship, needs to be addressed. Sex isn’t an issue until it no longer exists. Blame and attention seeking behaviors like arguing pursue without really getting to the root of the issue.

The first thing to address ,is the idea that the desire for sex is one spouses concern. It is infact, a couple concern. Marriage is a joint effort not a me against them dynamic.

The major issue to look at is communication. It amazes me how many couples can talk or argue about everything but go silence when it is time to talk about Sex, and Intimacy. Many arguments are the symptoms of an unmet need from one of the partners’. For example, ” You go out to much with your friends” can snowball into a major conflict instead of just saying” I miss our date nights, we should schedule more of them”.

This can also go into the subject of sex and intimacy. When you tell your partner ‘No” it can mean different things to them based on their experience and upbringing. Hearing No often can turn into anger, hurt and later resentment and result in the couple experiencing an empty feeling. These feelings later manifest with the hurt spouse into the spouse not being attracted to them anymore or even not loving them anymore.

If you say no, to your partner give an alternative to alternate activity or a later or day. Don’t let no be the end all. It also helps to get some reasoning behind your answer to avoid the image of being resentful or angry.
It can also benefit to examine why the loss of emotional disconnect with your partner.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I want?
  • What will it look like to be emotionally connected again?
  • What did emotionally connectiveness look like in my past?

Remembering can bring back pleasant feeling and motivation to get the feeling aroused again or you can see why the disconnect is severe and may need professional help to navigate.

It may also be beneficial for couple to get a checkup and review the blood work and possible unknown illness that may prevent one spouse from being less sexual.

Medication that treat certain illness or Psychotropic meds that assist with mental diagnosis can take away the desire for sex and make orgasms delayed. The good news if there is a problem than there is a solution. By talking to your medical provider that can assist you in looking at many causes of low desire and may be able to change your medication or regimen.
The Key is don’t suffer in silence about sexual issues like low desire or other sexual concerns.

Sexual and Emotional connection are good for the marriage and relationship. Life happens sometimes with kids, careers, and other life stressors sex is sometimes is the first to go. If we would look at sex as something to run to instead of from things would be different. You deserve pleasure and so does your spouse. Just because it takes you a little longer to get in the mood doesn’t mean the mood doesn’t exist. Are bodies are different, some people can get aroused by a thought while many of us need more than that to get in the mood. Once we are in the mood sex is enjoyable. Take the time to get out of your head and surrender to pleasure.

If need be asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness but strength.

Hope that helps,

LMFT, CST Certified Sex Therapist


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